Sister Pat's Journey

In the late spring/early summer of 1992, I came to the awareness and realization that I am a gay woman... that there was a reason why I had always preferred female singers, actresses, etc... why I felt more drawn to and made emotional connections with female teachers... so there I was... drawn to a deeper prayer life... drawn deeper into my Catholic faith... and admitting and accepting myself as being gay. That was something... now what was I going to do? Pretend that I am not gay... get married and have a family? I could never do that. I could not live that lie. And what about my religion? Was I to give up my faith, stop going to Mass because I knew the Catholic church teachings on homosexuality? I did not feel like I was being asked by God to make that choice or that I should have to make that choice. So I continued praying, especially the Rosary... continued my conversations with Mary and always found answers to the questions I asked Mary... not in some dramatic fashion, but in the course of conversations and I have always believed that Mary gave me the answers through those people.

I thought about becoming a Eucharistic Minister and even spoke with the Sister who oversaw that ministry. The Sister had to ask whether I had done anything which might prevent me from being a Eucharistic Minister... such as had I been divorced... Of course, I could tell her no ... but I felt uncomfortable because I knew if I told the Sister about being gay, that would exclude me from being a Eucharistic Minister. So I decided not to pursue becoming a Eucharistic Minister. I also became friends with the principal, a Franciscan Sister, of the school connected to the Church... she gave me a Franciscan Tau Cross before she left for a new assignment. I wanted to be honest with her but was worried about how the she would react and never told her.

And on a Saturday in November, 1992, I told my mother that I wanted to get a "Mary medal". My mother immediately offered to give me one of her medals. But I declined the generous offer knowing I could get one at the Catholic Gift Shop. I went to work and did not give the medal a second thought. I worked alone at a check-cashing store and could only leave the building if someone else was there. When a coworker from another store came to get the daily deposit, I went to the store to get my supply of junk food. When I returned, I saw a small flat gold-like object on the carpet in the customer area of the little store. I picked it up and was astonished to discover that it was a Miraculous Medal. For me, this was a sure sign that Mary loved and accepted me as I am.

Again, I began thinking about being a Nun but thought that was not possible because I did not feel that deep love for Jesus that Nuns feel ... that whole "Bride of Christ" feeling... but there was something there that I could not shake, even writing a story in a creative writing class about a Nun.

So I again had the "am I supposed to be a Nun" thoughts in my mind from time to time. Then Karen walked back into my life... "back into my life" because we had known each other when I lived in Massachusetts. We had just been friends and had not spoken for nearly eighteen years. We decided we wanted to be together, and Karen moved to Florida. We had both been raised Catholic. We went to Mass sometimes, but felt a little uncomfortable because we knew we would not really be accepted in the Roman Catholic churches if people knew we were involved in an intimate relationship. Most people assumed we were sisters or cousins or friends. Neither Karen nor I did anything to change their views. Then I saw an ad in one of the gay newspapers about Roman Catholic Masses sponsored by the local Dignity chapter. We went to Mass and were the only women. I thought Karen would be uncomfortable. She was not. The men embraced us as long lost sisters. We felt as though we had found our home and celebrated our Holy Union Ceremony during a Mass on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception December 8, 2002. We stopped attending the Dignity Masses first because of my work schedule and then lack of transportation.

And even though I now had a spouse ... still there seemed to be something missing... spiritually from my life... Karen and I eventually found a nearby catholic - but not Roman - church and began attending weekday Mass at 5:00PM. We met a priest who was a member of an Independent Franciscan community. I talked with him about becoming a secular Franciscan... there was talk about starting a chapter but it just didn't seem to be the right thing for us... still I was searching for something... perhaps to become a Deacon... possibly a Priest... with Karen's support of course... and still there was that "Nun" thing...

And then Karen died. Her death shattered my world, life and faith. Until Karen died, Pat had always accepted that people die when it is time for them to die... and then Karen died... and nothing about her death made sense... least of all that she had to die... that nothing could be done... that she had been very ill for quite some time, and I did not realize that I had been watching Karen die for months... I did not pray... did not want to pray... did not want to talk with God... did not trust God anymore... did not want to talk with Mary either... and even told Her that one night...

And then as I slowly found my faith again... as I began to feel drawn back to Mary... I began to feel that call again ... but it seemed to be coming directly from Mary... I felt a sense of joy as I began telling friends "I want to be a Nun". But I had some concern at saying, "But I don't feel that connection to Jesus that Nuns feel... I feel more of a connection to Mary." And then having a friend, who is a member of yet another independent Franciscan order, tell me "If you feel want to be a Nun then be a Nun." And then trying to figure out exactly how one does that given the nature of the call I feels. And then trying to find out where I belong... and how to do this...though not in the traditional Roman Catholic "go in the convent" way or in any Roman Catholic Order...

I actually found an "Internet-based" Order that I thought would be good for me as it was an Order dedicated to Mary... I even applied and became a Postulant... but it wasn't... primarily because the Ecumenical Catholic Church with whom they are affiliated and run through has certain "policies" that go against my own personal beliefs. They reject and will not perform Holy Union Ceremonies for same-sex couples. And as Karen and my Holy Union Ceremony was one of the greatest joys of our journey together, I could not be part of an organization that denies same-sex couples that joy. So I left that Order.

But the feeling of "being called to make a deeper spiritual commitment" just would not leave. I knew I had to find some way to respond to and answer that call which had been somewhere within me for the past thirty-one years... I just knew I could never join a traditional Roman Catholic Order for various reasons... the most important being that I never felt that "call/desire" to be a "Bride of Christ"... it was a different kind of call that required a different way of responding...

After searching, pondering, wondering... many conversations... something began to become very clear... that if I really did and do feel this "call" then I would have to create my own Religious Order to answer it... and so much was pointing to that being a part of the "call" I felt...

So that is exactly what I did. On September 8, 2007, On the Feast of the Birth of Mary, I professed vows in a very private way and not only became Sister Pat but also created a Religious Order and became the Foundress and Minister General of the Franciscans of Mary the Theotokos.

On August 15, 2008, on the Feast of the Assumption, I made my solemn profession of vows during a Mass celebrated in the Chapel of Holy Angels Catholic Community.